Here is my promises, wants and needs in a marital-type relationship
We should promise to commit to reasonably, honestly, lovingly, respectfully and willingly do all within our power to meet each other's needs and wants. (This would include effort, counseling, education, etc. and even accepting reasonable compromise, if the exact need/want cannot be done.) One should not judge the validity of the other's needs and wants. (We should accept them and look to our part in their potential fulfillment.) Also, one should not require what one could/would not be willing to freely give. (Our requests should be asked and received with all dignity and reverent respect for one anothers talents and limitations.) The responsibility of communicating the needs and wants is a shared venture. (With the needer/wanter lovingly expressing the need/want to the other who openly and lovingly receives the request.) Our commitment is for each other's present and future growth and edification. (This list is not a stagnant legalistic list, but grows as we grow, though the principles themselves remain timeless, and is not intended as a "safeguard" against any changing or additional future needs.) If there are needs/wants that are so radically beyond our ability for common ground and compromise, we have to be open to reexamine and perhaps redefine our relationship.
I want/need someone who will love and accept me as I am, not look at me as a lump of clay with "potential" to be molded to fit a preconceived notion of a mate. However, as part of the natural love and growth process of "become one," we will "fit" better and better as we flow toward one another and let the "grease" of love lubricate and hone any of our "burs" to a livable/lovable smoothness.
Nor do I wish to be looked at in terms as the "best you can get, so I'll have to live with him" attitude. If it turns out, after giving it a shot, that I am not what you want/need, let's do ourselves a big favor and save much heartache and hurt and admit it and seek the appropriate relationship level we are suited for or we can handle.
I need/want someone who is also willing to love and accept herself as well for how can one love and accept someone else if they cannot learn to love and accept who they are. Someone who recognizes and accepts their own strengths and weaknesses can accept mine. They don't have to change or blame me to help hide their own faults. In fact, they would tend to appreciate contrasting strengths and weaknesses as an asset. I can be "strong" where you are "weak" and visa versa.
Naturally, I promise to willingly, lovingly hold/do the above for you.
I want/need someone who will trust me to be truthful and faithful and not assume any "stereotypical" behavior patterns on me based on others or past experiences. I am not "them." I only wish to "bear my own sins."
As "fruit" of being legitimately trustworthy, I am willing to be accountable for and explain my reasons and actions. I have nothing to hide or fear. As Mark Twain said, "You don't have to remember anything, if you tell the truth." Faithfulness and trust is assumed to be there as the cornerstone for the other "bricks" in our life together to build on.
Naturally, I promise to willingly, lovingly hold/do the above for you.
I need/want to know that when you speak or act it's true from your heart. I love to be showered with kind lovingly delivered words of love, praise and acceptance. But, it would be worse than if you cursed me if the words were empty without basis in reality.
I also wish to be lovingly critiqued as well. I want to grow and learn change to be a better person. And you are supposed to know me better that any one else. Plus, since I'm gonna "grow" anyway, I might as well grow "toward" where you are. I trust and seek your comments, both "good" and "bad" to help me be real and keep me on tract.
In short, I seek truth and reality, and can only offer them in return. However, nothing wrong with fantasies.... But, if we can, let to what it takes to make them real! It's only when the fantasy is an obstacle to reality we get into trouble.
Naturally, I promise to willingly, lovingly hold/do the above for you.
"What's sauce for the goose, is sauce for the gander." That pretty much sums it up. I don't mind modifying habits, actions, attitudes, etc. to better mesh and work together, but it's a two way street. Never ask for something that, in comparative principle. you wouldn't give/do yourself.
Naturally, I promise to willingly, lovingly hold/do the above for you.
In a nutshell, I wish to marry my "best friend." Someone who seek
for my best, who will stand by me with support even in the tough times, who
may not agree with me, but allows me my opinion or belief without needing to
change it or "punish" me for it. Someone to "hang out" with
and is simply fun to be with. Someone I can tell it all to in confidence and
without being harshly judged. Someone whose advice is sincere and thus trustworthy.
I want to share in your likes and hobbies. I want to learn all about you. I
want to help you be the best you can be, and wish you to help me. I want to
learn from your mistakes and successes. In essence, I want to experience your
life in mine.
Much emphasis is place on romantic passion in a mate. And that is very important, lo, necessary for it to work. Indeed, it is romance that crosses that the fine line between a "friend" and a "mate." But passion without a true friendship also includes "fear," "jealousy," "envy" and resulting pain which are very "passionate" as well. It's a well grounded friend that can conquer these demons and allow romantic passion to flow to heights never dreamed of. You CAN stay in live forever, but it takes an understanding, forgiving, loyal and committed friend to reject the negative passions, and invite, nurture and enhance the positive passions in romance.
I have experienced this personally. I've had but a taste of the positive passion of true love and romance. It was so awesome, I would of given anything to maintain it. But, we were unable to conquer these "negative passions" and it was passion itself that eventually destroyed the relationship. I was deeply and seriously injured emotionally. But, even with that great hurt, the "positive passions" were so wonderful, I'd risk hurt all over again for romantic passion. Only this time around I'll be wiser from the wear. I've learned valuable, though painful, lessons about friendship and passion.
Naturally, I promise to willingly, lovingly hold/do the above for you.
I want/need to be able to freely speak to you without fear of "saying it wrong." That is, if you don't understand what I mean, you will ask me to explain. Or if it sounds bad or wrong, you will question me without assuming undo stress. I'm not gonna willing hurt you, so, if I say something that does, let me know so I can better explain in your type of terms what I mean. I wish to "learn" your "language" and want you to seek to know mine because I really am interested in you and what you have to say; and want you to be interested in me and what I have to say.
Also, if I hit a bad vibes from the past, please don't blame me for your past hurts. I'm here to help "make it better" in the present, no matter what it takes. Remember, I love you and have your best interests at heart, as well as mine. I need to know what hurts, why and what I can do to help you make it better.
Naturally, I promise to willingly, lovingly hold/do the above for you.
I want/need to have the freedom to be me and use my God given talents. To be able to grow and learn the things God has for me to learn and experience. I need/want your support in these things.
I will never seek to "bind" you to me. I look at the force that holds us together like unto the forces that hold magnets together. There is no visible ties, yet the bond is strong, based on the invisible physics which make up the bonding force. I do not wish to be held to you by guilt or legal paperwork, but by mutual love and commitment for each other's best.
Of course, freedom has it's responsibilities as well. I will always take in consideration your needs/wants in the process and wouldn't use my "freedom" to hurt, control, manipulate, neglect, etc. you. And I have no problem with making and holding to commitments (like getting legally married, having a monogamous relationship, etc.).
Naturally, I promise to willingly, lovingly hold/do the above for you.
I want/need to be showered in emotional, spiritual & physical love and affection. I wish to be a joy to see and longed for in my absence. I want to be desired and the lovemaking to be real and not a duty or chore associated with a marital-type relationship, i.e.- "Men have their needs". I want/need a woman who "has her needs" as well. I need/want to freely touch and freely be touched, on all levels of expressing love and affection.
I need/want someone who will offer their love and affection freely without "strings" or an agenda. Lovemaking and affection should not be a "reward" for proper behavior, but, flow forth as a natural result of our feelings, commitment and love for one another.
On the other hand, respect should be given for the others emotional wants/needs at all times and lovemaking should not be "performed on demand." This attitude (as well as the "chore" mentality) cheapens the specialness of this most precious and intimate act created by God for only us together, and is sacred and beautiful and should be cherished and respected.
Naturally, I promise to willingly, lovingly hold/do the above for you.
My attitude is that when we were to make love, I am solely focused on expressing my love to you (our spiritual connection) in a physical form dedicated to your pleasure and joy with all patience, tenderness, innovation and consideration to for what you want/need/like. I receive great joy in your receiving joy and fulfilling pleasure in your receiving pleasure.
It's not just the physical aspects of "sex" I crave. I feel special in way words can't describe in giving you that most sacred and special "gift" that, while we're a pair, that no one else can give you. I also take great pleasure in receiving that special gift from you and I do not wish to seek it from anyone else. Whether it be rubbing your back or feet, holding you hand, gazing into your eyes while caressing your hair and cheeks, or taking you to bed, I am making love to you. And, I wish to make love passionately, effectively and as often as is possible in our life together.
The above "list" is not used to measure you to a standard and give you a "score" to determine if you are "good enough." Nor do I wish it intended to grade me. We are humans with faults, past hurts, fears and needs. It attempts to address these "negatives" with a positive approach to accepting the faults, soothing the past hurts, laying to rest the fears, and meeting the needs. But it will take real love and real effort.
Love and effort to accept our humanity, our shortcomings, our moods, our needs/wants, our failures and successes. Love and effort to seek each others best, even if, at times, at each others expense. Love of self and effort to try to be the best we can be (be it spiritually, physically, emotionally or mentally) for both our sakes. Love and effort to trust in times of doubt. Love and effort to stick it out in rough times of financial, physical, spiritual, mental or emotional hardship. Love and effort to support each other though we may lovingly differ in our opinions. Love and effort to work cooperatively to run our lives together as a partnership, yielding to each others strengths and not look at our life together in terms of a power struggle or survival of egos. Love and effort to try, as best we can, to meet each others needs and wants.
In reality, this last item, Love and Effort, is all it really takes for the others to happen. And conversely, without love and effort, the others cannot happen. I'm not saying effort as in "hard toilsome work". A good relationship should sort of flow. But I mean effort as in the willingness to do something to work out things to a peaceful, acceptable and lovable solution. I was not perfect and had my problems, but, I was married for 17 years and loved and was faithful to my wife, in the face of many, many mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually severe problems. Our marriage was terribly flawed and failed, but I can honestly say, not because of a lack of love and effort on my part. Precisely because of these failures, I know all too well it, takes two, in love and with effort, and the above stated principles, to make it work. And if we are "on the same page" with the above principles (and of course, it's open to your modifications, additions and input), and you are willing in love to make the effort to respect and meet my needs/wants, I promise to do all within my power and will seek and rely on God's power and wisdom to love you with all my heart and make the effort with my lifeblood to respect and meet your wants/needs.
James Arthur Jancik